Sunday, November 11, 2018

Saturday, November 10, 2018

social anxiety and some notes on how its fucked me

my brain is shot. i have social anxiety and after sitting here thinking about it all, its really taken a hit on me. i decided to look it up and after reading up on it, i appear to fit all of the criteria. one symptom mentioned is being introduced to other people. at work, every new coworker i have had, i have been very quick and dismissive of them initially, because it made me feel uncomfortable. the whole interaction, not so much the person. after a few weeks of getting to know them though, everything is alright.

i have a hard time meeting new people because of this. i dont have many people i can call a friend that live here, nor do i know any like-minded musicians that i can play music with. meeting new people and introducing myself always makes me nervous. at CANASA, i really tried my hardest to talk to the representitives there. i was successful i think. but it was a really hard pill to swallow given how many people were in attendance. i try to go out every so often where people are so maybe i can get over this in some aspect.

i am always critical about myself, and i fear the worst in any situation. i worry about how my actions or thoughts may affect others tremendously, even though it may not be a big deal on the other side. it affects me so much that i avoid the largest social media platform all together. sometimes i will go to extreme measures to avoid people that i see in public just so i dont have to have a conversation. its super dickish of me to do that, but i think im a boring conversational person anyways so im really saving you time too.

i feel stressed out about work currently, trying to finish a huge project. and we are in a great position but i feel to my peers that its not good enough. speaking of work, it also affects my attitude towards everyone there. there will be a week or a few days here and there where i just come in and im a huge asshole to everyone. i think its the stress of interacting with them as well. it not good for anyone because it makes the work environment totally toxic. the other day i left the job site early and went straight home because i was so pissed off at everything.

i fucking hate myself.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

flame still burns

caught this beauty this morning.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

crowdfunded some new tech

ive been on the lookout for something new to mess around with. i found out that gpd is making a successor to their original gpd pocket umpc. the other day i bit the bullet and submittied my money to them for the higher end model that that are producing, and estimated to ship out in october.

it's pretty tiny, but i want the portability. ive always had a thing for small electronics. it would be good to have when i fly away or go on a road trip for work.

Sunday, August 12, 2018