Wednesday, October 10, 2018
this morning i woke up to find that my gpd pocket 2 has shipped. should be here friday, along with my coworkers. nerd stuff all weekend (and maybe a friggin walk soon if it ever decides to stop raining).
i bought new drum shells last year. the other day i finally paid off what i owed for new bass drum legs that i had ordered, and put them on. i have never used the bass drum before as i turned one of the floor toms into one instead. i remembered that i own an alesis dm5 and a Roland bass drum trigger. so i hooked it all up for shits. i used shitty computer speakers to test with, but I require something louder. speaking of drums, while i don't play nearly as often as i did, i have the itch to want to play with someone again. i am more than willing to bring my stuff anywhere to do so.
i wish my dad was in better health. we are trying to convince him to go to Geraldton this year during the holidays, even if it is for a day. i have offered a ride both ways if we do a day trip, or one way if he stays the night. however, he has backed away from the idea. my step mom needs a break. i see it with my own eyes how manipulative he can be with certain things, like his wording for example. he is a handful. for a while, he became snarky again and has said some mean shit to her. almost degrading. i wish he was in better health so he wouldn't bark shit at my step mom, and could have fun with my kids. he is bitter. he doesn't like kids anynore much. he doesn't like going anywhere because of what happened to him. and it will always be the same "maybe next year ill be better" when really nothing is happening.
and me. mentally, i think i am doing better than i was a couple months ago. i credit music. i have had to listen to so much of it to keep my sanity. when i have gone through a rough time in my life i resort to it. i liken music to events in my life. a song, an album, i can pretty much associate them with people or events, or things that may have happened that have made an impact to me. talking about issues has helped too, trying to make sense of it all and really understanding why things happen. and how to overcome weakness and be a better person. so far i think im doing it. i can be better as an individual, a dad, a coworker, or a friend (though I really tend to distance myself from new people because peoplephobia, but give me a week or two and ill open up if you're serious). it's a goal i would like to achieve. feel better about myself. sounds like horse shit given how my actions may have reflected on who i am, but i was having a battle in my head for a while and considered the alternative. i was feeling extremely low about myself and how i have negatively affected others lives. counselling, i did it. but I had to stop due to insane work schedule (5 weeks out of town straight) later on. and tbh, while he helped make sense of things initially, i found he wasn't attentitive to the real issues and swayed off elsewhere. it's ok. i have learned to open the cork off the bottle and open up about myself a little bit more.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
on the other hand, i am bored. i seem to be constantly finding things to keep me occupied but it's actually difficult. going out for walks n shit at night with the bike ride thing happening here and there sometimes. i haven't been buying any records lately either. i wanna go on an adventure soon. supposed to be going to SG next weekend somewhere with some co-workers. tomorrow i am doing a solo trip to nakina/longlac for some jobs, staying in gtown for the night.
my kids and i went for breakfast.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
it's pretty tiny, but i want the portability. ive always had a thing for small electronics. it would be good to have when i fly away or go on a road trip for work.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
Sunday, June 3, 2018
the bike thing has been working out pretty good. i try to go out at least twice a week and on the weekends, biking all the way across town (literally). my daughter has outgrown her bike and wants to come for a ride when im around, so I am on the hunt for a new bike for her so she can come on some adventures. she has always been adventurous. i think it's because i used to take her out with me on walks around the city and in the woods wherever. i took her out bike shopping and to no surprise, she settled on the most expensive bike. it's a nice bike and seems to fit the price haha.
tomorrow i depart for fort frances to finish a community center we started a week or something ago.
i took a week off this month and have no idea what to do. 9 days is a lot. no trip this time. i don't want to go alone again. 16-24.
i haven't used facebook or messenger for a while now and don't have any reason to go back to it. i talked about doing this some time ago. it's good for me and i don't belong anyway. i use Instagram because of content.
i feel like im learning myself all over again. reset. starting anew. i do a lot of reflecting when i venture off wherever. while i have made mistakes previously, i won't let that define who i am.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
i am depressed.
some days go good but im still a mess.
so i go on a musical voyage and do my own thing.
i heard a song the other that reflects what my mind is going through.
it's beautiful. and i enjoy the progression. and the words. and the quirky response at the end.
my brain is mush.
i am fucked up. but i have help.